Enfin j’ai décidé

Finally I have decided what I want to do for University! Admittedly, I have a few years to go till I actually attend Uni, but there is a reason for this early decision. A few years ago, my father wisely told me “Felicity, after the age of 21 your life flies by” or something like that, but I realized that since the age of 16 my life has flown by, so it’s best to make such an important decision right now so I can work towards it.

So what do I actually want to do?

I want to do a Bachelor’s degree at the Università di Bologna in Italy, in 2 or 3 years. By the time I attend I will have (if all things go according to plan) a C2 French qualification, a C2 Italian qualification, and a C2 Spanish qualification. Not only will that catapult me to the holy land of polyglottery, but it will mean that yes, I will be able to get a Bachelor’s degree in Foreign Languages and Literature. In order to take the courses I want to take it is required to have 2 languages spoken at C2 level and be proficient in another.

Admittedly there is a slight problem. I don’t yet speak Italian, much. But that doesn’t really bother me. First of all, I’m convinced I was Italian in a past life because I seem to already understand a lot and I grasp it pretty quickly, and secondly I have faith in my language learning abilities. It took me two years of messing around half the time to become proficient in French, and now I can converse comfortably with natives, so I feel assured that if I put real time and effort into Italian I can easily master it. Yes languages are hard, but they are also incredibly simple and straightforward, or else there wouldn’t be billions of people speaking them today.

Once I have obtained this degree I attend to apply to a Grande École in Paris to get a scholarship as part of their international selection to get a Masters diploma. After 2 more years of University I’m pretty sure I will be insanely confident and arrogant speaking French, Italian, Spanish, and any other language I decide to take on. Once I have mastered those three languages I have decided I will take on Russian, Greek, maybe German (depending on if I really like the country), and Romanian.

In other news, I have also decided to take on Maori, the native language of New Zealand. Since it is a minority language it is essentially useless in regards to getting me to a country like Italy, however, there are reasons I am learning it.
1. It is the language of my ancestors. In Maori culture and in schools one of the most important things taught (if not the most important thing) is to understand where and who you come from, because essentially it dictates who you are.
2. It is the first language of my brothers. Whenever I visit them it bugs me that I can only ever understand “Do you want food?” when they speak.
3. It is easy for me. Unlike about 95% of New Zealanders I have a lot of support learning this language, and complete immersion. This is very rare and I am extremely lucky to be exposed to it spoken fluently.

So that’s about it.

Bring on 2012 I say.

Advertisements

Reflection

Now that Wellington is but a distant memory, I feel myself reflecting on it in an almost fond manner. I look upon the last six months as an emotional rollercoaster, basically.

The first 3 months were hell, no doubt about it. I felt like I was going mad every single day. I was so focused on my problems I could barely distract myself at all to study, and I slipped behind. I dramatized everything, as most depressed people do, as in “My life is never going to get better and everything right now is horrible and why the hell am I bothering to keep living?!” (Except with me there are more swear words thrown in). This was followed by a euphoric high, which was usually hugely productive for me, and ironically always around the time I had to talk to my counsellor. And then back into the depths of hell I would go.

July, August, and September were definitely the better of the 6 months I spent there. I discovered energy healing, and started applying it to my shattered life. I felt better, and started getting out more and making friends. I spent this time exploring Wellington, recognizing its beauty and truly living in the present! Then not far into July we decided to move home, and then the time flew by. Towards the end though, I felt more and more relief at the thought of being safe again.

Here I am now. I have fond memories of driving around the bays of Wellington with my mother and her boyfriend, laughing hysterically, growing, walking through the beautiful Central Park, admiring, and dreaming.

I do feel like I have wasted a year, as far as productivity goes. But I have learnt so much about myself that I know will be helpful again one day. As of right now, I feel alive, free, and amazing again. I have hope.

La vie est belle. La vita è bella. Life is beautiful.

Orpheus & Eurydice

Recently I took up studying again, after a month long holiday (pfft, if you call packing and then unpacking a thousand boxes a holiday).

For Latin, I have to do a prescribed Literature Study of the myth of Orpheus and Eurydice.

For those who don’t know, it’s about a musician called Orpheus, and a nymph called Eurydice, who are in love and get married, but soon after tragedy strikes (of course) and she is bitten by a snake and dies. In Greek myth, when people die they go to the Underworld, known as Hades, which is described as usually being a horrible place for the bad people, but a nice place full of fields and butterflies for the good people. Orpheus is wildly in love with Orpheus, and goes to Hades and begs for the king of Hades to return her to him. Pluto, the king, agrees, but only if Orpheus does not look back till he reaches the normal world again. But foolishly, when he has nearly reached the entrance, he looks back, and Eurydice is snatched away from him again. He returns back to the normal world and is unable to be comforted by anything, until eventually he dies, and goes and joins Eurydice in the Underworld.

I’ve read a few versions of this story before, mostly in children’s books, but this time I had the official Latin copies (along with an English translation), and I was amazed at how breathtakingly beautiful it was. Maybe I’m an emotional wreck for some other reason, but it really touched me, so I thought I’d write some of it here.

This is an excerpt from after Eurydice was taken from him a second time

They say he wept for seven whole months, one after another, under a lofty crag near the water of the deserted Strymon and that he unfolded this tale under the icy stars. Taming tigers and leading oak trees with his song; He sang just like the grieving nightingale under the poplar tree’s shade she mourns her lost nestlings which a hard-hearted ploughman has seen and dragged down from the nest unfledged; But she the nightingale weeps all night and sitting on a branch repeats her pitiable song, and fills places all around with her sad lamentations.  – Virgil.

This is an excerpt from after Orpheus dies

His spirit passes beneath the earth, and he recognizes all the places which he had seen before. Searching through the fields of the blessed he comes upon Eurydice and embraces her with eager arms; here they both stroll together side by side, sometimes he follows while she walks in front. Sometimes Orpheus walks in front and looks back at his Eurydice, as he can now safely do.  – Ovid

Being young

Being young is horrible. It’s always been said, “Youth is wasted on the young” and that is so true. I don’t think it’s the youths fault though. Seriously, if there wasn’t so much pressure and schoolwork stifling us, I think things would be a lot easier – but then again, we can always find something to complain about.

I’m mostly talking about myself. I’ve never really identified myself with ‘age related’ words, such as ‘teen’, ‘pre-teen’, ‘tween’, etc. I’ve always seen myself as being emotionally secure and mature enough to just refer to myself as Felicity. But since hitting 16 things have seriously gone pear shaped.

It all started on 22nd of February, I think. That was the day when a huge earthquake hit the city where I was living. I think it was around that point that my sanity left… though that may be an extreme way to put it. Let’s just say, everyone became vulnerable, indecisive, confused, afraid. Against our better judgement, me and my mother were advised by people who we considered ‘friends’ to move to a different part of the country. I’ve always dreamed of moving, my whole life. I spent all my time at school gazing out the window looking at the world I thought I was missing out on. I was so eager to move, to start fresh, to regain my life, I thought nothing could go wrong. A part of me knew it could potentially go bad, but being young and naïve, I convinced my mother to anyway.

Don’t get me wrong, the place we moved to is beautiful. Modern, yet still green and natural. I don’t mean natural as in bio-fuel natural, I mean natural as in hills covered in wild New Zealand forest, public parks bursting with nature and beauty, still containing an air of being untamed and untouched by people. Unique and charming houses, painted in bright and unusual colours, nestled in these valleys. Yes, I love it here. I feel like if I’d only come under better circumstances, perhaps if I’d been emotionally stable, only then would I be able to have appreciated my surroundings and be much more receptive.

When I got here, I left school, and started doing Correspondence/At home learning. Where is the problem, you’re probably thinking? I myself am thrilled to not be around the politics and unfairness of highschool, yet I find myself too stressed to cope. Maybe this is because of the whole earthquake situation – I can’t figure it out. I only take languages now, my favourite subjects, but I still have breakdowns every other day, it feels like. All my life I have been more privileged than most, though not in monetary terms. I have been rich in support, drive, and interests. I can’t understand why I’m stressed. I personally believe it’s because I’m still stuck in the useless school system. I’ve escaped the concrete room, but not yet the concrete building. I resent having to study for exams that they want me to take, in order to get a job where I work for them. But for me I feel like there is no way around it. I have to continue.

I don’t know what I want to do. I want to live in the present, enjoy life, and then do something as a job for myself, not for others. It’s simple, but possibly the most impossible thing in the world.

Failed.

Has anyone ever had that feeling that you’ve just completely, utterly failed, and that there really isn’t much point trying. That’s where I’m at.

It’s all the fucking earthquakes fault. I know that anyone who reads this will instantly ask, “Did you lose anyone in the earthquake?” – NO I didn’t. That doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to be upset, and it doesn’t make my life any better. It has affected everyone I know. I haven’t lost a person, but in some ways I lost everyone I know because no one is the same anymore, including myself. I’ve changed into an undesirable and depressed teenager. I also lost my life. No, not my life as in living and breathing life, but my life as I once knew it and everything that went with it. I know, I have complained in the past about my life, but I never wanted this to happen.

A lot of home truths have unfortunately hit me in the face since the earthquake and since moving. One of which is that I no longer feel I have a ‘bright’ future ahead of me – in fact, I want to leave school all together now (my mum is fine with it, too, so if I decided to I could). I am constantly stressed these days.

And the stupid thing is is that when people ask me to tell them what I want, all I can say is that I want the way things used to be back.

Procrastination

The only reason I am writing this is because I have reached a difficult part in my schoolwork and can’t bear to carry on… then I remember that I had this blog and hadn’t updated it since the earthquake.

So what’s new?

I’ve moved to a new city. Capital of NZ, known as Wellington. It is amazing here, and I love it, but of course, my hometown is ruined and I didn’t get to say goodbye to anyone except my 2 best friends.

A few posts back I blogged about my brother(s) and how much I missed them and all that. Now I live an hour away from them, and so far I have seen them twice, and I will see them again this Thursday, and then I’ll stay with them on the weekend. Yah rly.

I really cannot be bothered with schoolwork or anything right now… I feel I have paid my dues by doing the dishes and just generally being the perfect child.

Bai,
Felicity x

Earthquake

I can’t believe it would happen again.

Life has changed forever </3

Previous Older Entries Next Newer Entries