Failed.

Has anyone ever had that feeling that you’ve just completely, utterly failed, and that there really isn’t much point trying. That’s where I’m at.

It’s all the fucking earthquakes fault. I know that anyone who reads this will instantly ask, “Did you lose anyone in the earthquake?” – NO I didn’t. That doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to be upset, and it doesn’t make my life any better. It has affected everyone I know. I haven’t lost a person, but in some ways I lost everyone I know because no one is the same anymore, including myself. I’ve changed into an undesirable and depressed teenager. I also lost my life. No, not my life as in living and breathing life, but my life as I once knew it and everything that went with it. I know, I have complained in the past about my life, but I never wanted this to happen.

A lot of home truths have unfortunately hit me in the face since the earthquake and since moving. One of which is that I no longer feel I have a ‘bright’ future ahead of me – in fact, I want to leave school all together now (my mum is fine with it, too, so if I decided to I could). I am constantly stressed these days.

And the stupid thing is is that when people ask me to tell them what I want, all I can say is that I want the way things used to be back.

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